The first time I heard the term autism was when I was about 15. I met this American boy on Yahoo messenger chat who told me about autism and how he’s been diagnosed with autism. Hearing the symptoms, and researching online, I flatly told him, “can’t be true, because it seems I am too”.
He later told me that autistics can “read” each other – and he knows that I am autistic too. And that’s how I got my first unofficial autistic diagnosis.
John and I became friends though – in fact, a little more than friends I’d say. This year, in 2025, it will be 21 years of knowing him (well, if that gives away my age, so be it).
Anyway, I never fully believed his diagnosis even though the thought always remained at the back of my head. I felt that he was being too indulgent in his diagnosis – if he tries harder, if I try harder, we are just like anybody else.
So I kept pushing myself forward in life, masking like a pro, doing well, not bothering even a wee bit about the problems I was putting myself in, just to do very simple things. I made fun of my struggles to be on time, to be organised, to remember things, or on my oversensitivity. I was playing up a role of a dumb young girl and telling myself I was being entertaining with my craziness- even though I wasn’t dumb really.
Then in my 20s, a nephew of mine – was diagnosed with ADHD – in India. When he was younger, people used to remark that he is so much like how I was in my childhood.
I read up on ADHD – and yes, that’s exactly me. In fact, I may not be autistic, but I was definitely ADHD.
So the signs were there always – the unofficial diagnosis was given quite early.
I guess when you’re a pretty young single girl, you can get away with a lot of things, neurodivergent or not. And that’s exactly what happened in my case – I would demand promotions, more money, more help, and I would simply get it. I developed a strong sense of entitlement. The universe was looking out for me – and I never faced lack.
But then things caught up to me – I faced abuse, humiliation, cruelty, rejection, manipulation, hurt, and was shattered.
I couldn’t lift myself up – it was such a terrible time of my life. (to be continued)